Caro crushes the concussion

My concussion joined my life the 11th of March. Internally I've been ironically celebrating every monthly anniversary of our togetherness. We've grown so much together. After two months and a half of doing absolutely nothing that related to my pre-concussion lifestyle, I was allowed to start my recovery plan. The recovery plan consists of some goals that you want to be able to achieve, and the steps towards that goal.

If my goal is to work a 40 hour week at the office (yes, that is one of my goals, I love my job and the office), you need to cut that up into smol little pieces to make a sort of 'piramid-like' stair step ladder to your goal. The concussed brain has to reconnect itself to be able to go into such a sensory rich environment again. If I would start at one hour of work at the office, I would probably have an insane relapse the day after. The sensory input of people talking around you, people talking to me, the trip to the office, the usage of the laptop, the reading of difficult content, the calls to make with clients, the unexpected issues during a day.. my brain would immediately go into system overload. So we cut it up.

The first stair step I conquered was reading a novel for 15 minutes. Then, once that went down without additional symptoms, I could extend the time I read. After that I unlocked the next level to more complex materials, in my case, IT law focused materials starting with only 15 minutes again. And so on, and so forth. You get the jist of it. The same goes for any social goals (to me that's going to a festival, first step: talking to one person for 30 minutes), or sport ones (playing a basketbal game, first step: walking for 20 minutes).

This new step has to go well for at least 3 days in a row to make your way up the ladder to the next step. Why, you ask? Because when you do something that might have been a too big of a strain for the brain, the brain will only tell you later. She's kind of passive aggressive like that. So if I did too much, sometimes I'd feel it the day after by insane headaches greeting me in the morning, but it might even be after two or three days. This is because I would slowly take a bit too much of my cognitive energy every day and when it's at -10, then the relapse hits. Which means not being able to cope with sounds, light, pounding headaches, general exhaustion and malaise, and other lovely companions.

I started my recovery plan about four weeks ago. I was SUPER excited. As with most things I start in my life, I want to do it well, and hopefully the best possible: no half measures. I absorb the information relevant, analyze and process it to my situation, and think of a solid game plan. I thought if I played this well, and in the most efficient way, I can be out and about as quickly as possible. I decided to take a different (work/social/sport) step every day, and in that way be able to recover “parallel” on every goal. Efficiency is key. Let's fucking go.

That enthusiastic approach lasted for two weeks. I was doing quite well. I was running the one day, and as a “rest” day I would cycle for over an hour on my racing bike. All the while I was also taking social steps: having friends over for 30 to 45 minutes, and after a while even going to a terrace (alone and with my parents) and out for a walk and ice cream with a mate. With working I started at 3 times 15 minutes, and after every 3 days I wanted to up that with 5 minutes. So within a week I was at 3 times 25 minutes. As a non concussed person you might think: ok lady this is nothing, but I was definitely pushing it. Head over heels with finally feeling well, and being able to actively do something about the situation I was in, I attacked this recovery like a shark. I ended in a two week long relapse topped of with a migraine attack. No fun. No efficiency. Mentally fucking drained and depressed too.

Since last Tuesday (that's almost a week now), things are looking up, and I am looking back. Looking back at the signals I missed that indicated a relapse incoming. I honestly believed that I was following the recovery rules as indicated, checking in with myself, and “taking it slow”. But apparently I still overlooked something, and was too quick to fly up my step-ladder. Looking back I realized that I had been tired a few days in a row in the evening, exhausted actually, but did not think much of it. In pre-concussion life exhaustion happens, you sleep, and then you're fine. I also started to be annoyed by the sound of birds, or any sound people made for that matter, and felt like I did not feel like cycling (although I'm quite an active person), but I did it because I wanted to keep my ''fit'' streak running of running-cycling-running. I was doing so well I wanted to be better on social front too. I wanted to so badly, that I did not think anymore about what I felt able to do, but what I wanted to be able to do.

''Hoogmoed komt voor de val” is a saying in Dutch. It doesn't really do it justice, but it roughly translates to “The fall is preceded by self-overestimation of courage”. I was so focused on getting better, so focused on that end goal, that I was not in check with myself anymore and I didn't even know it. How you recover or grow when it comes to sports, or muscles, or bodily issues not connected to the brain, is pushing yourself. Remaining consistent, not giving up, pushing through. If you set your plan to do something every day, every other day, just – literally – do that. And then you'll grow. And that is what I know and what I tried to do. Almost automatically.

Contrary to muscles and cardio matters, with matters of the brain growth happens when I stay just a little below my limit. Then my abilities expand and I grow. I notice it in reading. If I stayed below my limit and avoid any symptoms (which would occur at 25 minutes) and read for 15 minutes, the week after I could easily extend that. But I love grabbing a challenge by the horns: enthusiastically and a bit frantically I focussed on how to get through my recovery gameplan in the most efficient way possible so I can grow fast. But this relapse showed my I need to refocused to a more relaxed approach. If I am patient and do tomorrow, what I feel able to do today, I'll grow faster.

So instead of getting through this recovery in the most “efficient” way possible to be back on my feet as quickly as possible, I'll approach it differently from now on. I want to get through the recovery with as little relapses, as little complaints as possible. I'll do this by doing just a bit under my limit – and trusting that my brain and body will grow nonetheless. I will rather take it slow, slower than necessary, then want to recover as “efficient” as possible to have a quick recovery, and risk diving back into relapse for weeks.

Even though I cannot see how this process will unfold, does not mean that it will not be succesful.